The Last Battle

The last time I got into a fight cannot ever be erased from my memory, barring a Mourinhoesque dementia situation or me being so old I forget who I am  for it was a memorable day.

 

If you know me well enough, you’d know I’m proud as a muthafucker and I gloat because yuno, I am pretty good at the few hundred thousand things I do and football is one of them. I was pretty much a fucking god at football back in the day and had a machine gun for a mouth still do btw 🌚.

 

So one the said day, I and a couple of niggas in the hood (real hood, mate) decided to play football. To make it interesting, we played a “Street vs Street“ match (only 90s kid will understand) with kids from the other street on our version of Wembley. For clarity, the players on my street were  childhood friends and after so many years together had become a well oiled engine. We were the better team on paper and with my addition, the opponents were pretty unfortunate to come up against us that day. They weren’t pushovers themselves but we were like, Thanos and his boys with me as Thanos obviously.

 

A crowd gathered quickly to witness the sickness. A little background to the story: We didn’t have light so much back then and generators weren’t a thing but the electricity supply had like a schedule that was fairly exact. It was one of those afternoons everybody knew there wasn’t gonna be light so our “stadium” was packed.

 

We made our  selection from my street and I got to play behind the striker – my favourite position 🌚. The striker was a Togolese-Nigerian chocolate god who had enough power in his right foot to break the great wall of China. He was fast, smart and had a knack for scoring sick goals.

 

We started slowly because our regular goal keeper was called by his mum and had to leave so the fattest kid available became the new goal keeper. In no time he had conceded twice because ‘he had to go to church in the evening and didn’t want to get his clothes too dirty‘.

 

I was livid and berated him and the defenders which made the goal keeper leave and he was promptly replaced by another fat kid (it was the rule, albeit unwritten) and like Naruto, I unleashed the tailed beast within. In about 30 minutes or 30 years of football, we scored 10 times. Ten times!! By the end of the first half, it was 11 – 3 and Junior, our striking god scored 7.

 

Don’t forget that the length of the half was decided by the Area Boys smoking weed and watching the game. It could be as long as 2 hours and as short as 30 minutes. Yep. I, your MCM, lived in the actual ghetto.

 

The opponents had an injured player and wanted to call it quits but I wasn’t gonna let my free afternoon go to waste so I offered to play for them. I looked at my childhood friends and my former teammates like Superman would and said, “A ma na yin pa”. I will let you imagine the process but by the time the referee said the additional time was 5 minutes, the scoreline was 13 – 11. I summoned the inner god and scored the second most beautiful goal of my life to win it at 13 – 14.

 

I forgot to add that at EVERY point during the second half, I teased and taunted my old teammates. Dribbled past them just to mock them and also verbally abused them. It was palatable because they were well ahead but at the dearth, they became changed. One thing I said struck Junior, my old buddy who was the best player on the other team. I did mention that he was fast yeah?

 

Well, he was faster with his hand. He pulled me closer and punched me right in the face and I fell flat in one clean swoop. Right there and then, my whole life flashed right before my eyes and I just laid there and got beat up pretty bad. He was finally held back and I dusted myself and left without saying a word.

 

Word travels fast but bad news dey enter plane – Chinese Proverb.

 

I slipped right into the house and my mum was there, waiting. My brothers were watching the TV but the volume was reduced so they could hear the exchange. Mom asked where I had been and I lied because she wouldn’t approve that I was just in a fight. Summarily, she beat me for lying and getting into a fight. Two Ls in one day.

 

End.

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Yeah the story shouldn’t have been named my last battle seeing as I was basically beat up like a little girl yeah? Anyways it’s my story and my blog so, shush.

 

NB: A ma na yin pa means you will be roundly beaten

Love

I just remembered that I had a blog and I hadn’t written in forever. I dabbled with love and look at the results. Enjoy!

**************************************

 

As we readied the shuttle and got ready to settle in for take off, a feeling of nostalgia swept across the room as we prepare for yet another deep space forray in search of life. I struggled a bit with my anti-gravity belt which was aptly named cage by the boys in the lab due to its perchance to “cage you to your seat”

I’ll miss the boys.
I’ll miss Earth 2.

We hadn’t made any progress with reversing the exothermic reactions noted some 5 years ago by NASA that was now causing our sun to rapidly die out like a candle lit in the depths of the Sahara desert. We were first greeted with shock, then disbelief and finally a will to survive. I can still hear the sadness in the voice of the grand ruler, Khal Al-Kasam when he briefed me of the impending doom. I am not a very religious man but in my 1000 years of existence, I haven’t seen a man more in need of a miracle than the great Khal.

Some eons ago, he has saved our kind from total annihilation when earth imploded. That was home. I haven’t felt anything like that since.

“We are about to enter the CT655 Nebula Commander Zubs, what say you?”

“Move to hyper-speed and camouflage mode”

My mind wandered a bit as we moved out of our galaxy in search of a new habitable planet. I remembered when we left earth. A global government had been set up to help keep earth from falling apart and making the evacuation seamless. I and my wife worked with the UN in screening Africans who had come to Lagos for the health screening. It was our goal to make a new life bereft of diseases and to make it our final home. Unbeknownst to all, the speed at which the earth was disintegrating couldn’t allow us to time to pack our things.

 

“Commander, we have made contact with a space craft about 699 light-years away and they seem to be intelligent species. Shall we tail them or signal them?”

“Give me a brief of what we have on them so far.”

“They are from the planet Xerox and are bipedal, ambidextrous but mostly vegan. Technology advances is up to date and weaponry is… Wait. They are superior to us”

“Don’t lose sight of them. Ready the missiles and be gun ready. We shall monitor them further. How far are we from the planet we targeted?”

“300 light years sir”

We soon got into the same field with as I clutched my amulet, a neck chain my lover made for me. It was the only thing left to remind me of her, except for the flurry of memories and dreams every night. She was the most beautiful person I ever met and she was perfect. I got ready to make contact with the alien space ship as per the rules of engagement while staggering under the reputation I have made for myself as the discoverer of the last 3 homes of humans. I quickly held on to the rafts as I said a little prayer before the entry pod opened up.

**************************************

Tola, the tailor, Cook, and wife was particularly helpful in the course of making me a man. But she was event more pivotal in making me who I was and who I am today by helping me unlearn and relearn habits. That and her insistence on trusting my instincts is why we have made a detour and now head for another planet closer to our current home but hidden in one corner of the galaxy. With the help of the Gooflox, we were able to spot it just outside the corner of the Keevil Nebula. It had its own sun, water that is close to what was obtainable on earth and a sun that was young. We immediately set out in search of this beautiful dream and promptly arrived in record time, only to discover the most beautiful yet shocking detail. The aliens had told that the biggest void in our lives will be filled in that planet but they didn’t mention that it would turn out to be my biggest void.

The sun, it was you Tola. It was you!

It gave life to the vegetation on the planet and consequently gave life to me. You are my star.

End.

 

 

Ps: Tola is fictional but you know who you are ❤️

Unknown

My name is Adam Briggs and today is the day I murder my wife and kids. I own a mansion just off the coast of the Miami Beach. Been living here for, what, 14 years now; the house was gifted to me by a client I got out of jail many years ago. It stands proudly in the savanna trees, overlooking Miami like a hawk.

I live there with my wife; a 24 year-old supermodel I married from Argentina. She was Miss World of 2002 and, as soon as I watched her receive the medal at the finals, I had to marry her. She was literally my trophy wife. Used my wealth to goad her on an all-paid exotic trip to America and wedded her 3 weeks later. She birthed 2 twin girls – Anna and Lorenza – who are now 12, 13 years-old respectively.

Now I know what you’re probably all thinking: why on earth would I want to kill such a beloved family? I have it all: the model wife, lovely girls, and mansion in Miami. I’m what every guy dreams of becoming. Well, I’ll tell you why. Remember the client I mentioned who just handed me the house? He was falsely imprisoned for killing his wife and sentenced to life. Years later, some evidence enveloped that he was innocent and I, his lawyer, got him out. However, while in prison, he told me he found something that didn’t exist in the outside world. Something he secretly craved deep within as a child – the raw survival instinct. The uncertainty of whether he’d see the next day or wake up in a pool of your own blood from a slit in your throat. There was thrill! Excitement in the kill or be killed life is what the animals have, but we humans sugarcoat it with jobs, which is hideous. Why be pretentious? It made me realise something – I wanted to live in fear of knowing if I’d die tomorrow. It’s not fear, but simply life. This is what I wanted!

My wife may be pretty, but she is one self-absorbed bitch who doesn’t even put out anymore. The kids are alright, but I can’t kill their mother, go to jail for it and leave them to suffer on their own. I’m not inconsiderate. They must die, too.

I knew what I was going to do. I knew exactly how I was going to do it. When the wife gets back from work, a bullet to the head would suffice. I got an illegal firearm today; it’s concealed perfectly in its holster on my hip. Same should do with the kids. Gosh, I can’t even think about this. I’ll come up with something. In the meantime, I’ll just sit here in the balcony, inhale the beautiful Miami Beach air and wait. It’s poisonous. I never really liked it, if I’m being honest, it’s filled with stupid, artificial assholes breathing impurity into the atmosphere. The time is 4PM. Catalina, my wife, comes home any second now…

Ding Dong!

That’s the bitch! I get up and walk down the spiral staircase. My hands rubbed against my hip, ready to draw. No more conceited personality, Catalina, no more. No more attitude.

Upon opening the door, I notice that it… it wasn’t her. There were two uniformed men standing at the other side.

“Mr. Briggs, we’re from Miami PD,” said one of them. “Your neighbors claimed they saw you come home carrying a, uh, Mac 10? So they called us to check it out.”

I laughed. “No way do I carry a Mac 10, officers, I’m a lawyer.”

But I couldn’t lie – my hands were still on my waist.

“Mr. Briggs, do you mind raising up your shirt for me, please?”

And then it happened. I couldn’t risk them finding out, so I had to. Swiftly, I pulled out the gun and it barked twice, sending both policemen to the ground. They were dead.

Ahead, I noticed my wife’s Ferrari had just pulled up the driveway. She’d seen me kill them! With one quick turn, she sped off! Shit! I got in my car and followed in pursuit. Where do you think you’re going? She’d made me. Why did the stupid cops have to come at this time? Why did the neighbors see the gun? I was too lost in thought as I drove speedily, poor Catalina fleeing for her dear life, when I didn’t see the truck come out in front of me. It hit my car, and then it tumbled multiple times before finally landing on its roof, upside down. Then the engine suddenly caught fire. I tried to escape, but my seatbelt was stuck. I yanked and yanked, but it wouldn’t come out. Fuck! Nobody was close enough to get me out. I had already given off hope.

I was about to die. It was certainly my time, I’d accepted my fate. It was then that it hit me. Life is all about movement, survival of the fittest, but then again, love probably triumphs all. Helping one another separates us from the animals. Prison was made for people who wouldn’t. People like me. I shut my eyes, waiting… as the car exploded.

Yuri, @Snikoggs

Fear

On Sunday the 26th of december 2004, the bottom of the Indian ocean shook and the deadliest tsunami in history occurred. Waves taller than buildings crashed on the Indian coastline, killing thousands and leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Mumbai suffered great loss of lives and property, and by unfortunate coincidence; my father was in Mumbai at the time, working on an oil rig in the Indian ocean.  By nothing less than a protection divine, he is still alive. However, in the time it took us to hear from him, my family knew mind-numbing fear.

A good number of people, especially in the southern part of Nigeria did not vote for the current president-elect. I do not speak for all of them,  but, I do know that some of them did this in fear. Fear of the unknown in quote. The unknown being the candidate whose ideals are meant to have changed in the past few years.

2014: Review

2014

Greetings minions.

I have been doing some super awesome work lately which is super awesome and is key to the survival of this species. That is why I have not written in months. When last did you see a brain matter thirsty Zombie outside your home ? Ah. Exactly.

Uncle Zubair: false! That can be attributed to the increase in African Magic like Tv stations. e.g Orisun. Thus, Zombies have deserted us.

Zubair Santos: Shut up already yo! Sir Buzzkillington. That was how you killed my vibe when i was closing in on a deal with that hot laiskin goddess. Anyways, we have a post to finish first.

As the title as suggested, 2014 is the topic of discourse. It is special because it is the 15th year anniversary of the greatest invention man made in Sheffied, UK – bringing order to football. Also, 2014 is the 2nd year after the Mayan prediction failed to occur so it is a pretty special year. In my bid to honour this rapidly flying year (it was March 37 minutes ago!) i have put together moments considered as key in the development of man and civilisation today and then relate it to 2014 – the world today.

1. Rosa Parks: Years after the slave trade was abolished, coloured people weren’t still considered to be human and that is how this story was born. Aunty Rosa Parks was lightskinned in her personality but darkskinned in colour and we both know lightskinned girls are the business. She was asked to vacate her sit and go seat at the back of the bus but she’s got Yoruba blood in her and she said “fuck the police”. Many books and movies have been written/produced in honour of this black legend who said “fuck the police”.

2014:

Bus conductor: go seat at the back. Wifi/network reception is better there

*stampede*

2. Jesus Christ: I could have chosen any religious head for this example but his people are the most tolerant of all that i know. Also, i’m not afraid of keyboard terrorists as opposed to real…you get my point. Anyways, having Jesus in 2014 would be fantastic. All that swag in the youtube era and his message would have been clearer to us. However, there will be a few problems for him too. Hippies will remind him that he wasn’t the only guy reportedly born without a human father. Also, scientists will be all over his swag trying to crack his code. Lets not go into how the fans/paparazzis will make every move of his troublesome for him. The biggest problem would be starting primary school in Surulere, Lagos at Estate Baptist Primary School. The teacher, having had an epiphany will only address him by his surname. What would be his surname?

3. Slave Trade: this horrific and terrible event in the history of mankind left many shortchanged but none suffered more than Africa. She lost her children, honour, culture to the white marauders. Thankfully, it cannot happen again – i mean slavery in the open.

2014:

What we have is mental slavery. Also, technology/fashion/white culture has enslaved us and the evidence is out in the open.

4. Holocaust/Hitler: A sad day it was when Adolf Hitler  as chancellor of
Germany 1933. Young Adolf had written a book on how he feels about Jews and others of “the lesser race”but no one paid attention to him. He carried out the evil plans conceived in his evil mind during the Holocaust with unthinkable activities carried out in his many concentration camps.

2014:

This also cannot happen again. A man takes over the government, invades neighbouring countries and kills people for their faith? No. One of his many victims would have snuck video cameras in and let the cat out seeing as the real reason Hitler lasted that long was because the world didn’t know what exactly went down in the concentration camps.

5. Sodom and Gomorah: Ages ago, some guys tried to seduce angels (disguised as men) to have sex with them as this was customary among them. Days later, BAM! God destroys their gay city.

2014:

Breaking News: The United States of America have declared war on God and his people following his intolerant behaviour leading to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorah. Attacks on God’s people have been mooted….

“This just in. The Pope sensationally denounces God and godly duties saying there’s no way he’ll serve an intolerant being. Also, he has been made a field marshall in the United states army as the war against God packs heat”.

Isn’t that just great to imagine?

6. Invention of Dodo: I only said football was the greatest invention ever to make the football fanatics get off my back but Dodo really is. It is also the greatest discovery made by man.  Invented/Discovered by a man God already blessed 11,000 BC, Dodo (disrespectfully referred to as Plantain by the waiters in Medilag) is everything. I won’t go into how awesome it is because that in itself renders it less awesome. I’m talking about wet, succulent, moist Dodo.

2014:

Man 1: I have discovered/invented Dodo.

People: OMG. The messiah has arrived! Lets make him the president of the world.

Man 2: I also have discovered/invented Porridge.

People: CRUCIFY HIM!!!

7. Discovery of Terrible Music: Idris Abdulkarim and Zaki Adze are names that resonate in my head when terrible music is being discussed. At one point, they were like gods or something in Nigerian music. OMG what were we smoking?

2014:

*phone rings incessantly and Uncle Zubair picks up cell phone and answers* Sorry guys, i have just been told that we still have Justin Bieber, Wiz Kid, Ice Prince, Big Time Rush, Kanye West, 2 Chainz, D’banj, French Montana, M. I.

8. Pharaonic plagues: 4,000 or so years ago, Moses balled into the Pharaoh’s luxurious court. Then the plagues happened and Israelites were freed

2014:

Being raised as a noble himself, Moses casted royalty away and started like a commoner.

Moses: “Cut the crap Pharaoh. Let my people go. God said i should tell you so. You can look it up on my tablet”

Pharaoh: “Scientifically speaking, you do know that your men have superior built and this noble project is ground breaking. Get it…ground breaking. Because we’re breaking the ground and making pyramids out of it… without taking a break. OMG. Scribes. Put that down. I feel like Lil Wayne already. Also Moses, you can’t prove to us that there is actually God”

Moses: *enters incantations mode* Haha. I have dropped plagues on your household. You have till next week to free all my men. What do you say to that?

Pharaoh: *grieving and wallowing in self pity after seeing his son with spots on his body and stuffs. He however said to Moses in a whisper*

We don’t negotiate with terrorists. Hahahaha. Scribes, write that down. Some black guy in a white house will say that someday. I can feel it.

Ofcourse the Israelites were never freed because Edward Jenner provided vaccines to Mr Pharaoh and the plagues subsided after Mr Fashola provided the schemes he had used to curtail infectious diseases to the Pharaoh.

All in All, happy 2014.

Zubair Santos: what a terrible way to end a fantastic post. That has always been your problem. I know you guys aren’t biased in your judgements. Check his other write ups and see for yourself. Thank you

*exits stage/curtains fall*

2015

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Mahatma Ghandi.

Zubair Santos: Well basically, it’s actually ideal to start a post with a dead joke. That way, we can prep the reader up for the insanity below. Seeing as this is one topic i’m dying to talk about, we’ll skip the joke. There has been like a decline in change in this country. Everywhere you go, its the same damn thing. A conductor tying two people to one note, traffic merchant running after the bus and shop attendants looking long and sad. What happened to change ? What happened to 50, 20, 200 naira notes? Especially 100 naira note. What happened to them?

Editor: Psst. This is the post about political change. You may shut your ass now. Interestingly, 100 is scarce because we’re replacing the note. Get out of random DMs once and you’ll stay informed.

Zubair Santos: Sorry. Sorry. Apologies. I got carried away there. Well then, change in the Nigerian political scene is most welcomed. We’ve been through it all – military, civilian, military/civilian and  a shoeless savage. I see now that new clowns have emerged at every level promising heaven but ultimately going to channel hell towards the populace. It’s a terrible sight seeing as analysts and everyday Nigerians seem to know more about governance than these clowns (consult every newspaper vendor store for confirmation). Research conducted by the members of the department of Political Science, Harvard University (there’s a Chinese insignia on this Harvard’s crest) revealed that the problem with governance here is that the right people never step up to be voted for. Professors, Imams, Pastors etc won’t vie for positions normally

Uncle Zubair: but Chris Okotie…

Zubair Santos: please lets be serious. As i was saying, the aim of this post is to inspire you to take up a post come 2015 (that’s why we named it 2015. We’re smart. You’re smart) . Below are reasons why you should be a Nigerian politician

1. You can kill people for free: this might not interest some of you but from what I’ve seen in movies, its pretty much a tortuous task and probably expensive to have someone killed. You also need a good reason hence you’re just a monster. Become a Nigerian politician today and..

1. Circumvent the reason part
2. Get people killed so that you can get a chance at doing number 2.

2. Steal all the money you want: this doesn’t need explanation.

3. Employ all your friends: you know how its kinda ridiculous for you to make some decisions concerning family/friends because they may not fit the criteria needed? Worry not my child. Become a Nigerian politician today and you can even make a banker the minister of health!

4. Take young kids as hostages in furtherance of your set goals: do you want more money? Do you want a larger cut in how the budget of the federal republic of Nigeria is being spent? Congratulations you’re the lucky 1000th visitor to this site and you’ve won yourself a free monetary advice. BECOME A NIGERIAN POLITICIAN. You can hold the kids for as long as possible till the money change hands and the best part is that you get to keep them with your terrorist and psychologically damaged friends. Win. Win.

5. Travel round the world for health tourism and then sack all the doctors because you’re a fearless bastard and you don’t give a fuck: see how baddass this is? You already know the drill. Become a Nigerian politician.

6. Get paid while sleeping: Sleeping is fun. Getting paid to sleep has to be the heaven described in the holy texts. Nothing beats sleeping on TV while making cool millions.

Uncle Zubair: climbing the fence is just as cool though. Just as cool.

Editor: we’re running out of space goddamnit.

Zubair Santos: Shame. I was just getting started. Anyways, i hope I’ve been able (as usual) to convince you to take up a post in the forthcoming elections. You don’t want to miss the aforementioned benefits.
From us here, its good night.

PS. The writer apologises for possible deaths that may follow when you turn to Nigerian politics.

P. P. S: thanks to Banji, Mariam, Zubby and Kemi O for nothing. You guys made this post terrible.

The Reinvention Of Man

 

 

“And so it happened that man again bent to the will of nature – disguised as normal body physiology and went to sleep. Images of yesternight’s activities with breasts-bearing humans didn’t leave his memory. Alas! His brain never went to sleep!”

“In due time, life – once arrested and held captive in the testicles; escaped via the bridge of destiny out into the world. You see son, the is a natural process. What is unnatural  is how life – or semen; escaped the reaches of Man’s undergarments and touched Virgin Earth at the junction of her legs which birthed a new life form”.

“Several people throughout history have tried to create life as Man wanted to be God. Hetried to create others like him and with improvements. Men who can be like water – shapeless, formless, gentle., flawless but effective and able to generate endless energy for activities when needs arise. This Rameses II wanted. He wanted the pyramids to be completed in time for his son’s big wedding. He sought the help of his wise allies and seers but they told him what they told his father only moons ago: It is impossible and “unnatural”. 

“Shah Jahan went a step further. He took prisoners from the kingdom’s major slammer and tried to condition them with science, mysticism and exercises to reach superhuman capabilities humans couldn’t possibly attain. His Taj Mahal was the end product; but the losses were too much. Too much for even the marble paradise that stands today. The Turks too in their conquests sought to field soldiers with far more durability than the feeble human body can offer. Warriors that were near invincible. They failed. More recently, the Germans tried to improve their people. Being the “Master Race”, the sought to improve their people by carrying out insanely inhuman experiments at their extermination camps. The result? A failure. Just like of those before them. They all failed. Rameses, Shah Jahan, Kublai Khan, the Ottoman Sultan, the Führer. They failed woefully. Shouldn’t humans realise their place and stop looking for holes in the fabric of nature? Man continued to try. He failed. And continually failed”.

“But dad…..”

“Hush Son!”

“On a related note, legends have it that at the time of Emperor Vlad, the Impaler, “distinct” humans arose 2 decades after the last impalements were carried out. They were said to have risen “from the dust” a la Adam. The only thing different being that they were formed from the semen of men who during their process of departure from this realm lost all control over their own physiology. Renaissance thinkers however where swift to dismiss these stories. All other “rumours” about people with single parenthood too were quelled save one. But now we know better”.

“Dad. Its 2 am in the morning. Why are you telling me all these strange stuffs?”

“Son, you know how you were able to outrun your other brothers since you were three? How you continued to thrive at sports? How you never really got injured doing extreme physical activities and why the animals like you? Yes. Your mother is not your mother. Goodnight child. Sleep well”