The last time I got into a fight cannot ever be erased from my memory,
barring a Mourinhoesque dementia situation or me being so old I forget who I am for it was a memorable day.
If you know me well enough, you’d know I’m proud as a muthafucker and I gloat because yuno, I am pretty good at the few hundred thousand things I do and football is one of them. I was pretty much a fucking god at football back in the day and had a machine gun for a mouth
still do btw 🌚.
So one the said day, I and a couple of niggas in the hood (real hood, mate) decided to play football. To make it interesting, we played a “Street vs Street“ match (only 90s kid will understand) with kids from the other street on our version of Wembley. For clarity, the players on my street were childhood friends and after so many years together had become a well oiled engine. We were the better team on paper and with my addition, the opponents were pretty unfortunate to come up against us that day. They weren’t pushovers themselves but we were like, Thanos and his boys with me as Thanos obviously.
A crowd gathered quickly to witness the sickness. A little background to the story: We didn’t have light so much back then and generators weren’t a thing but the electricity supply had like a schedule that was fairly exact. It was one of those afternoons everybody knew there wasn’t gonna be light so our “stadium” was packed.
We made our selection from my street and I got to play behind the striker – my favourite position
🌚. The striker was a Togolese-Nigerian chocolate god who had enough power in his right foot to break the great wall of China. He was fast, smart and had a knack for scoring sick goals.
We started slowly because our regular goal keeper was called by his mum and had to leave so the fattest kid available became the new goal keeper. In no time he had conceded twice because ‘he had to go to church in the evening and didn’t want to get his clothes too dirty‘.
I was livid and berated him and the defenders which made the goal keeper leave and he was promptly replaced by another fat kid (it was the rule, albeit unwritten) and like Naruto, I unleashed the tailed beast within. In about 30 minutes or 30 years of football, we scored 10 times. Ten times!! By the end of the first half, it was 11 – 3 and Junior, our striking god scored 7.
Don’t forget that the length of the half was decided by the Area Boys smoking weed and watching the game. It could be as long as 2 hours and as short as 30 minutes. Yep. I, your MCM, lived in the actual ghetto.
The opponents had an injured player and wanted to call it quits but I wasn’t gonna let my free afternoon go to waste so I offered to play for them. I looked at my childhood friends and my former teammates like Superman would and said, “A ma na yin pa”. I will let you imagine the process but by the time the referee said the additional time was 5 minutes, the scoreline was 13 – 11. I summoned the inner god and scored the second most beautiful goal of my life to win it at 13 – 14.
I forgot to add that at EVERY point during the second half, I teased and taunted my old teammates. Dribbled past them just to mock them and also verbally abused them. It was palatable because they were well ahead but at the dearth, they became changed. One thing I said struck Junior, my old buddy who was the best player on the other team. I did mention that he was fast yeah?
Well, he was faster with his hand. He pulled me closer and punched me right in the face and I fell flat in one clean swoop. Right there and then, my whole life flashed right before my eyes and I just laid there and got beat up pretty bad. He was finally held back and I dusted myself and left without saying a word.
Word travels fast but bad news dey enter plane – Chinese Proverb.
I slipped right into the house and my mum was there, waiting. My brothers were watching the TV but the volume was reduced so they could hear the exchange. Mom asked where I had been and I lied because she wouldn’t approve that I was just in a fight. Summarily, she beat me for lying and getting into a fight. Two Ls in one day.
Yeah the story shouldn’t have been named my last battle seeing as I was basically beat up like a little girl yeah? Anyways it’s my story and my blog so, shush.
NB: A ma na yin pa means you will be roundly beaten