I have been doing some super awesome work lately which is super awesome and is key to the survival of this species. That is why I have not written in months. When last did you see a brain matter thirsty Zombie outside your home ? Ah. Exactly.
Uncle Zubair: false! That can be attributed to the increase in African Magic like Tv stations. e.g Orisun. Thus, Zombies have deserted us.
Zubair Santos: Shut up already yo! Sir Buzzkillington. That was how you killed my vibe when i was closing in on a deal with that hot laiskin goddess. Anyways, we have a post to finish first.
As the title as suggested, 2014 is the topic of discourse. It is special because it is the 15th year anniversary of the greatest invention man made in Sheffied, UK – bringing order to football. Also, 2014 is the 2nd year after the Mayan prediction failed to occur so it is a pretty special year. In my bid to honour this rapidly flying year (it was March 37 minutes ago!) i have put together moments considered as key in the development of man and civilisation today and then relate it to 2014 – the world today.
1. Rosa Parks: Years after the slave trade was abolished, coloured people weren’t still considered to be human and that is how this story was born. Aunty Rosa Parks was lightskinned in her personality but darkskinned in colour and we both know lightskinned girls are the business. She was asked to vacate her sit and go seat at the back of the bus but she’s got Yoruba blood in her and she said “fuck the police”. Many books and movies have been written/produced in honour of this black legend who said “fuck the police”.
Bus conductor: go seat at the back. Wifi/network reception is better there
2. Jesus Christ: I could have chosen any religious head for this example but his people are the most tolerant of all that i know. Also, i’m not afraid of keyboard terrorists as opposed to real…you get my point. Anyways, having Jesus in 2014 would be fantastic. All that swag in the youtube era and his message would have been clearer to us. However, there will be a few problems for him too. Hippies will remind him that he wasn’t the only guy reportedly born without a human father. Also, scientists will be all over his swag trying to crack his code. Lets not go into how the fans/paparazzis will make every move of his troublesome for him. The biggest problem would be starting primary school in Surulere, Lagos at Estate Baptist Primary School. The teacher, having had an epiphany will only address him by his surname. What would be his surname?
3. Slave Trade: this horrific and terrible event in the history of mankind left many shortchanged but none suffered more than Africa. She lost her children, honour, culture to the white marauders. Thankfully, it cannot happen again – i mean slavery in the open.
What we have is mental slavery. Also, technology/fashion/white culture has enslaved us and the evidence is out in the open.
4. Holocaust/Hitler: A sad day it was when Adolf Hitler as chancellor of
Germany 1933. Young Adolf had written a book on how he feels about Jews and others of “the lesser race”but no one paid attention to him. He carried out the evil plans conceived in his evil mind during the Holocaust with unthinkable activities carried out in his many concentration camps.
This also cannot happen again. A man takes over the government, invades neighbouring countries and kills people for their faith? No. One of his many victims would have snuck video cameras in and let the cat out seeing as the real reason Hitler lasted that long was because the world didn’t know what exactly went down in the concentration camps.
5. Sodom and Gomorah: Ages ago, some guys tried to seduce angels (disguised as men) to have sex with them as this was customary among them. Days later, BAM! God destroys their gay city.
Breaking News: The United States of America have declared war on God and his people following his intolerant behaviour leading to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorah. Attacks on God’s people have been mooted….
“This just in. The Pope sensationally denounces God and godly duties saying there’s no way he’ll serve an intolerant being. Also, he has been made a field marshall in the United states army as the war against God packs heat”.
Isn’t that just great to imagine?
6. Invention of Dodo: I only said football was the greatest invention ever to make the football fanatics get off my back but Dodo really is. It is also the greatest discovery made by man. Invented/Discovered by a man God already blessed 11,000 BC, Dodo (disrespectfully referred to as Plantain by the waiters in Medilag) is everything. I won’t go into how awesome it is because that in itself renders it less awesome. I’m talking about wet, succulent, moist Dodo.
Man 1: I have discovered/invented Dodo.
People: OMG. The messiah has arrived! Lets make him the president of the world.
Man 2: I also have discovered/invented Porridge.
People: CRUCIFY HIM!!!
7. Discovery of Terrible Music: Idris Abdulkarim and Zaki Adze are names that resonate in my head when terrible music is being discussed. At one point, they were like gods or something in Nigerian music. OMG what were we smoking?
*phone rings incessantly and Uncle Zubair picks up cell phone and answers* Sorry guys, i have just been told that we still have Justin Bieber, Wiz Kid, Ice Prince, Big Time Rush, Kanye West, 2 Chainz, D’banj, French Montana, M. I.
8. Pharaonic plagues: 4,000 or so years ago, Moses balled into the Pharaoh’s luxurious court. Then the plagues happened and Israelites were freed
Being raised as a noble himself, Moses casted royalty away and started like a commoner.
Moses: “Cut the crap Pharaoh. Let my people go. God said i should tell you so. You can look it up on my tablet”
Pharaoh: “Scientifically speaking, you do know that your men have superior built and this noble project is ground breaking. Get it…ground breaking. Because we’re breaking the ground and making pyramids out of it… without taking a break. OMG. Scribes. Put that down. I feel like Lil Wayne already. Also Moses, you can’t prove to us that there is actually God”
Moses: *enters incantations mode* Haha. I have dropped plagues on your household. You have till next week to free all my men. What do you say to that?
Pharaoh: *grieving and wallowing in self pity after seeing his son with spots on his body and stuffs. He however said to Moses in a whisper*
We don’t negotiate with terrorists. Hahahaha. Scribes, write that down. Some black guy in a white house will say that someday. I can feel it.
Ofcourse the Israelites were never freed because Edward Jenner provided vaccines to Mr Pharaoh and the plagues subsided after Mr Fashola provided the schemes he had used to curtail infectious diseases to the Pharaoh.
All in All, happy 2014.
Zubair Santos: what a terrible way to end a fantastic post. That has always been your problem. I know you guys aren’t biased in your judgements. Check his other write ups and see for yourself. Thank you
*exits stage/curtains fall*