Lonely Tunes

She looked back and saw what i was up to and smiled. When she smiles, gravity kinda stops working ( pity to all you surfers *wicked laugh* You won’t spend more than 10 weeks in the Accidents and Emergencies Ward ). The cab man brought me back to life.

I can’t really afford to live like this. I am not working and guess what ? There isn’t enough time to beg for alms ( you do this don’t you ? Stop acting like you don’t ! Greeting your uncles twice in five minutes just to remind them that you’re still around ), all because of medical school but Cupid’s dog is indomitable and it brings out the worst in us, even the strongest of men ( remember Adam and Eve, Samson and Ini Edo ? ). I quickly caught up with her after glancing at her ass bossom for about a millisecond ( the thing is, i’m not really bothered by ‘stuffs’ like that and if i throw a glance at you, you gotta be endowed noni ). We held hands as we entered the restaurant.

I practically jumped into the restaurant because i remembered the joke about the the guy who had to wash the plates because he allowed his girl do the ordering. They say “learn from the mistakes of others because you won’t live long enough to make them all” . I went ahead with the ordering sharp sharp.

After paying up, i checked my wallet and said to myself silently ” Na only 2 days of garri for me” because all i had left was a thousand naira but i reassured myself because i know for sure that some people drink garri daily and they aren’t dead !

While having dinner, we were gisting about almost everything you can think of ( except about God and school work though ! ) and she really was very happy ! One thing about me is my imaginative prowess and your imagination is all you need to do everything and anything in your love life but my alter-ego the misogynist, masochist, racist and critic guy won’t just let me be !

As soon as she slipped her hand over my neck, he came to life ! ( ode ! What are you thinking about ? I’m not talking bout ‘HIM’, its my alter ego i’m refering to ! ). The feeling can be likened to the pain suffered when a hot iron is place on your skin. No offense but he really hates women. I playfully thrusted it back just in time not to catch her breasts.

After dinner, we went to the bus park and she held me tightly and kissed me ( @calm_lolly don’t die yet, she only kissed my forehead ). She didn’t want to let go and neither did i but we didn’t have a choice.

I went back home trying to calculate the best lie to tell. Is it the death of Awolowo or the birth of Christ ? ( pardon me but only something of that magnitude can save me ). Meanwhile, i was also trying to balance the books. It would be necessary to know the number of days i’ll have to lose weight ( thats what i tell everyone when i’m really broke but really its my wallet that has lost weight ).

*insert loud hoot*

Then i realized i was day-dreaming and it was such a terrible thing to do because of all places, i was on a motorcycle moving at the speed of light, home bound after a long day at school. DAMN !!!

P.S : @weird_ass_kid This was the life i planned for us but i met this girl called med-school. She ruined my plans and now you gone. Will miss you but i’ll be me !

The Blind Man

This story was originally written by Prof. Wole Soyinka in his last epic, ‘The mad man and the specialist’ ( Don’t dial the Nigerian Copyright Commission, their phone number is always unavailable, trust me ) . The errors you may find are thus obviously my fault. I learnt a lesson from the story, i hope you do ! Enjoy

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A blind man was walking in front of his hut one day and when he was halfway to his destination stopped abruptly. He had heard his name and turned to find out who had called. Although he was blind and old, he had his way of figuring out who was who, something his neighbours didn’t realise quick enough. This time he knew it was that new guy again. The vacant room opposite his hut was rented out two weeks to him and although he seemed nice, Pa John didn’t trust Dele. They were all nice at first, he thought to himself.

Dele called his name for the third time thus splashing reality back in Pa John’s face. When he saw him he said “Papa, why are you carrying a lamp about when it has no use to you ? ”
Pa John replied saying “I don’t need a lamp to go about my daily operations but I am carrying the lamp to LET THE WORLD SEE YOU WHEN YOU STEAL THIS PURSE FROM ME !!! ”

He was left rooted to the spot mouth wide agape and saliva drooling from it. He couldn’t say anything and neither could I ! .

The Murder That Never Was !

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen ! Tonight, i am priviledged to present to you, the 8th wonder of the world, the 13th imam, he’s an Atlantian and also an Asgardian. He is a Merovingian and a philologist per excellence. He is none other than Shri Zubairthedream * insert applause and shouts of ‘we love you’, hisses, hate chant, more hissing, boos, the crowd is now violent and dem don dey throw paper at me sef *

Thank you all for your love and hate, all i have to say is : What better way to treat Pigs than Swine flu ?
THANK YOU ALL !!! *bows*

Err..don’t mind me jare ! One of ya’ll commented about my punctuation, but i say unto thee : i’m sorry it can’t be helped ! Our school was on strike the day we were supposed to do punctuation in English language study. Anyways, today’s post is written and produced + directed by me ( Nollywood things ) ! I hope you will enjoy it sha *he exits stage amidst boos*

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“Hand me the club” , he said. The words came out more like from a woman than from a man. Everyone knew he loved the Dog but Father had a reason for saying the end hath come.

Max had increasingly been going haywire over the last few weeks. The death of his spouse lassy took a toll on him and ever since, he’s been a real nightmare to the kids. When Jack’s Father commanded that he be killed, it seemed a harsh decision but everyone knew it was only a matter of time before the knife slits its throat. Today it is going to be killed by its owner and best friend Jack, who would let any other person do it because he felt they’ll be too cruel to him.

When Jack steaded himself in front of Max, he breathed heavily and seemed to close his mind and heart for the job at hand. Max on his part was trying hard to break loose. It seemed to have sensed that its end was near and was willing to live forever.

“WHOOSH” and a loud shriek was heard ! The job was done but guess what, it wasn’t the head of the Dog that was severed, it was the rope around its neck !

P.S : I personally hate Dogs coz when i was really young, ( i’m still young tho !) some dude bullied me with his Dog. I guess that explains why i hate you !!!

Word To God !

Dear God,

I totally believe that you’re in control but please act fast else our landlord is going to kick us out of his house. Its going to be really tough for us and where will we possibly go ?

We weren’t always poor. My Father used to be a landlord himself in Plateau State and my Mother a successful business woman who plied her trade in Northern Nigeria. My Brother was an Engineer working for an oil company and also a part time pastor. They all were the source of money in our home and i’ve always had whatever i wanted but then, nothing they say last forever.

Our fortunes took a downward swing during the internecine in Jos, Plateau. Our house was razed down to its foundations. We all escaped albeit without a house. The fight was between the Moslems and Christians and unfortunately for us, we were hit a second time, this time it was Hades on earth. The grief almost made my mom psychotic. The loss of a child was always going to be painful but a full grown man and a major stakeholder in our ‘cup of riches’ (since Dad’s pension wasn’t forthcoming). He died at St Paul’s hospital, a few kilometres from his workplace. He was giving a sermon about the last supper of Christ, they made sure the supper of the day before was his last. The Doctor wrote that the cause of death was excessive bleeding due the several matchet cuts on his body. I do not agree with him. I wept for days. Dad kept quiet for days. At one point, we thought he was permanently inarticulate because of the incident !

Thereafter, we crawled to a new beginning and normalcy was slowly being restored. Hell was let loose in Maiduguri (our new house) when an argument between fellow moslems turned into a war. Hundreds were killed and to compound our woes, two of my mom’s attendants were killed and our shop burned down. The danger caused was irrevocable.

Talking about hell, this was worse than hell. I had to change schools because the fees were now too high. We moved to Lagos to better our chances of surviving but this isn’t what you’ll call surviving. We barely have enough to feed on, i’m currently out of school now not because i finished but because we can no longer pay the fees ! Now we are on the verge of being homeless because we can’t pay the rent. All because of them !

They killed my father by burning down his source of income. They also killed my Brother, stabbing him repeatedly because he was a christian.

Dear God, please annihilate the moslems them so that life can be better for all and rescue us NOW !!!

What We Learned This Week

This Week Was Most Unusual Because We Had A 2-Day Holiday On Tuesday Cum Wednesday ( This only happens once in 76 years just like Halley’s comet ). Anyways, It Wasn’t Too Short For Us To Learn Our Lessons. Below Are Some Of The Lessons We Learned This Week.
1. The Boko Haram Is A Fun Club : I Mean How Else Could You Explain There Recent Actions And Declarations. Last Week, I Was Practically Moaning About Them And Their Wants But They Mailed Me When Their Spokesman ( who be the guy sef ) Declared Their Intentions. The Guy ‘Claimed’ ( i dunno if he’s even related to them) That Their Relatives And Friends Must Be Released From Prison Else They’ll Stage More Attacks. This Prompted Me To Put Forward Two Theories About Them. Its Either These Guys Are Lesser Humans That Broke Away From ‘Us’ In The Last Thousand Years Of Evolution And Still Retained Their Bestial Brain And Wits. The Only Problem With This Theory Is Their Choice Of Weapons. Bombs Weren’t In Use In The Stone Age. Alternatively, I Think They’re Are Just A Bunch Of Pranksters Having A Go At The Government. This 2nd Theory Is Better Joo !!!
2. Exorcism Is The Best Method Of Casting Out Demons :
Don’t Believe What Those Scientists Tell You About Exorcism Being Fetish And Inhuman But I Say Unto Ye ‘Take A Cue From Sir Alex And Carry Out Exorcism For The Good Of All’ ( I Didn’t Say Anything About 8-2 Ohh ). You’ll Agree With Me That Exorcism Still Works !
3. Lil Wayne > Jay Z : Now Keep Cool Fellas ! I Know This Is Crazy ( just like Hurricane irene. Bet y b say women dey disturb us ? Remember eve ? ) But I’m Not Talking About Stuffs Of About A Decade Ago ( 10 years ago, lil bow bow popular pass lil wayne then sef and eedris was the best rapper in 9ja ). Recently, Lil Wayne Has Racked Up More Number Ones, Sold More Copies, Featured More, And Is Ranked Higher. This Week Alone, He’s Sold More Copies Of ‘The Carter IV’ Than Jay Z + Kanye West’s ‘Watch The Throne’. Like He Said ” Its A Wayne’s World, Ya’ll Just Some Tourists”.
4. The Mayans Are Correct May Be Correct : Ever Heard About The Mayans ? O.k I Know You’re So Myopic But You Should Have Seen The Movie 2012. You Haven’t ? Kill Yourself Now ! ( some people commit suicide for reasons less reasonable *winks* ). Anyways, These Guys Postulated That The World Will End In 2012. Although I’m Not Allowed To Believe Them (i’m a moslem remember ?), I’m Starting To Pay Attention To Them Since Hurricane Irene And The Ibadan Rain. If The World Ever Ends, Let It Be Known That I Still Hate @sir_hayub, @rhymemarvel, @calm_lolly, @kemmiiii, and the rest of Ya’ll.
CIAO ! *waving*
P.S : the ibadan rain no plenty reach Lagos own, more people died because ibadan people mumu pass lagos people. *mocking laugh*