Curtains Close

Hi ya’ll ! Happy Holidays and Compliments. We hope you’re enjoying your holidays. We’re sorry for not writing anything in a while. Who woulda thought the Mayans were wrong ?

Sant : Liar, you didn’t believe it too. You’ve just been stupidly lazy all week long.

Zubair : Just Shut Up. People thats my Alter-Ego there. Santana.

Sant : Its Santos now you idiot. And while you’re at it. Put up the link to my earlier appearances just so that that Achi_va chick doesn’t think we’re copying him.

Zubair : Right. I’ll do that later. Meanwhile, this is supposed to be a end of the year post. It’s supposed to be awesome and shii since i just completed my house on writer’s block so i’m outta ideas.

Sant : *An end of the year. Nigga you suck. Was that writer’s block gag supposed to be funny ? That was awful yo ! You tell bad jokes. You should feel bad. Why didn’t you write a proper christmas/new year post ? Oh ? You’re leaving the it to the rest eh ?

Zubair : YES !!! Alright Sire. Since you’re so wise, why don’t you go ahead and finish the whole post then.

Sant : Exactly what you shoulda done. Let me get my speech then. *brings out a foolscap sheet with binary codes on em* i’ll just cough a lil so that i can get my fake british accent in order. Right.

First i’d like to thank Airtel for not being bitches whenever i intend to post something unimportant but acting like idiots afterwards. You guys have been the worst ever. I still want that #200 naira you zapped with your space-time ninjutsu.

I’ll also like to thank @Rhymemarvel, @Thelazymedic, @A_Ma_Sensei for being good sports. And @Kehinde too for being a (former) good sport. You guys are the best. @F_ckedInTheHead was a good sport too. Shout Out To My Real Niggas @IAmYodea @Dat_Ijebu_Boi. You only know your niggas when you need money. There’s @Latiliciousjade too. Shout out to you too (this is unnecessary).

I’ll also like to thank the Doctor on duty when i had a reinfection of Chicken Pox. She tried her best in writing the prescription with the worst handwriting ever.

Zubair : What has that gotta do with the post ? If you’re showing appreciation, acknowledge the right people. Chicken pox doesn’t kill people so her help didn’t matter.

Sant : Just shut up. I got this. Thank You to ya’ll that didn’t mind my incessant flooding of your TL whenever i complete my stupid posts. Ya’ll are the best after @Or3dolz_gb, the guy who owns the phone we blog with, Arsene Wenger, for giving us Van Persie although Rooney is still better than him, Blake for making Bolt realise He won’t be shii for long, Nas, for making ya’ll realise your favourite rappers are shit and @Mayowa_fs for doing something err…i don’t even know what he did. Also, shout outs to my guestwriters Banji and Yodea, Block 6 boys, Surulere People, Michael Carrick, My Classmates, The Zubairs, All My Niggas etc *whispering* i didn’t put @Dr_bamson ‘s name in the post, he will be fucking jealous of the rest.

Zubair : Moron ! You just did !!!

Sant : And ofcourse it was only a plan. Ohh Shit ! The other idiot is here. Off i go.

Caballerozubair : This has infact been a waste of time. To more important things. Thank You All For Reading Our posts and retweeting. Shout out to them other bloggers keeping it real too. We wish you all a great year ahead. May you all be winners except Assnal, Chelshit, Barcelona and Madrid fans and ya’ll that like Big Brother Africa,
WWE, Ibadan girls, girls that milk their boyfriends for money and Goodluck Jonathan. Thank You All

Sant : Dude,
why do bloggers claim they’re psycho/mad/martians and shii ?

Zubair : Its Nollywood My Nigga. Nollywood.
Happy New Year.

P.S : Kemi is still single. Please contact me for her hand in relationship. For her whole body, you’ll havta ask her out. Okay that wasn’t funny.

How To Know If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating

Listen Up !

Listen Up !

Hi there ! I hope you all enjoyed my one-minute stint as a proper writer ? Well I probably won’t venture into something like that anytime soon. Anyways, I’ll just move on to today’s post without further ado. Enjoy !

Nowadays, few things interest us – the youths. Top of the list is food, love, friendship, twitter, relationships, FIFA 13, WWE, FIFA 13, STDs, FIFA 13, Assignments, FIFA 13, CGPA, FIFA 13 and most importantly, FIFA 13. Today, I’ll be talking about relationships. I know what it means to be in love (*side eye to my first love, fried rice and my current love, FIFA 13*) and I understand all that is required in a proper relationship. Some of us  are just too independent to be classified as love birds – not really making the person the centre of our universe and some are legendary lovers. They’re so good at this love game that they have 9 lives and they get one ups when they break someone’s heart.  Nazi salute to y’all out there.

@Kemmiiii : Yes ohh !! we here bro 

@Lord_Zubair : Shut up kemmiiii, you don’t even have a proper boyfriend.

Now then, since we all know the importance of the subject matter, I’ll go to the real reason why we’re here – FIDELITY

@Ama_Sensei : Fidelity bank. That’s my bank !

@Lord_Zubair : No retard. fidelity is a word meaning loyalty or faithfulness to something or someone.

The number of breakups that occur due to cheating on the part of the girls is sky high. Every now and then people come to me saying “Lord Zubair, I think my girlfriend is seeing another guy, she’s cheating on me. I must not turn into an assistant boyfriend na ! Help me”. Of course I’ll first reiterate that their game is not tight enough. You’ll need about 15 swags to get any proper girl and 10 to get  a Unilorin babe. Don’t ask me why this is so, ask Zeus. I have about 19 swags now so no girl can even think about cheating on me

@Rhymemarvel: You’re right Senor. Most girls go about cheating. Most of them have like 3 boyfriends sef but how do I know if a girl is cheating ?

@Lord_Zubair: Relax son. I was just going in. If you have your writing materials around, better scribble down some things. Here I go

 

1. If she’s suddenly happy or sad for no apparent reason, she’s cheating : She’s probably seeing another guy and having a hell of a good time with him but sad because you’re still here. If your girlfriend is in this category, you can get her back. Hit me up on Twitter for tips

2. If she’s now secretive with her schedule, she’s cheating: If you ask her where she’s off to and she says nowhere or says something crazy like the gym or she keeps deflecting questions about her destination, she’s cheating and she doesn’t want you to know yet.

3. If she stops talking to you, she’s cheating : If she’s like my Beampe that’ll call you regularly, but suddenly stops – in the absence of a fight or an argument, she’s cheating. She’s using  that all that credit to call the new guy

4. If she avoids eye contact when you guys talk, she’s cheating : She’s probably guilty and doesn’t want to look at you in the eye as that would upset her too. Either that or you’re suddenly uglier than Zubairthedream.

5. If she doesn’t want to associate with your family and friends anymore, she’s slowly drifting away : If your girl is in this category, she’s gonna leave – unless you have magic like me or swags like Sir Chuck Norris.

6. If she incessantly nags and complains about everything and anything, she’s cheating and is only looking for a way out and is hoping for a fight: Unless you’re as patient as Job, this method will get you in no time and before you can think  of saying JACK-MICHAELSON-ROBERTSON-THEOPHILUS-BENEDICT-RICHARDSON-JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER-MONTGOMERY-MAXIMILLIAN-WILLOUGHBY-WELLINGTON-ALEXANDER-NATHANIEL-LAWRENCE-BARTHOLOMEW-ROBERTSON, she’ll be gone.

7. She’s cheating on you if she has a new mysterious friend you don’t know, if she suddenly starts walking out of the room  to answer calls or answer calls with one word answers. when you ask who that was and she’s reluctant to answer or claims is one of her friends and when you ask another question about the call, she flares up. Sorry but she’s cheating.

8. If she deflects simple questions, sees you as irrelevant shifts priorities away from you , she’s cheating: Listen, if you ask your friend where she was at a time when she wasn’t with you in a detective Sherlock Holmes kinda voice and she’s like —> what are you now ? my Dad ? She’s cheating. Just start making plans for your next babe and she must be better than your last *brocode

9. she suddenly starts caring about her belly fat, buys new perfumes,, weavings, wigs, and is more concerned with her hygiene, she’s cheating: She’s trying to impress the new guy yo ! It will be so nice of you to walk way without saying a word. That’s how gentlemen roll, right Terdoh ?

10. If she suddenly becomes autonomous, has no interest in cuddling or making out, won’t pick up on the third ring, she’s cheating: Wait. if you guys haven’t been having sex before, this claim is invalid. Not all girls are hoes you know, well most are.

@Rhymemarvel: Thanks Senor ! I’ll start looking  out for these traits from now on !

@Lord_Zubair: Alright Son but wait, all these things aren’t definite though.  She may be secretive with her schedule because she’s tryna join the super cool club of girls that watch Naruto or she might have discovered FIFA 13. You must use your head well. Don’t think she’ll want to come to your house again if your Dad is her lecturer or if your elder brother is a total jerk. There’s only one girl out there for you and if you lose her because you’re a paranoid bastard, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

Fifa

Fifa

@Rhymemarvel: Alright Senor, You’re so wise. No wonder your head is so big !!!

@Lord_Zubair: That’s my boy. Now run along *hands him sweets*

 

Before we go, lets observe a minute of silence in honour of those that have been friendzoned. a high ranking member has just joined. *turns to the fair Lady* you know who right ?

 

@Latiliciousjade: Wait Wait Wait….. What you’re saying is that boys don’t cheat eh ?

@Lord_Zubair: Yes My Fair Lady. Boys don’t cheat. If a boy is going about messing with girls, there’s nothing to it and he’s just being curious. It’s only a problem if a girl imitates him. *bows very low* Thank You All !!!!

Imagine

Imagine


Comments ?

PANACEAN VIEW OF PRAYER

Hi ya’ll ! Happy new month ! For cool kids like myself, i urge ya’ll to shave because this is December. Today, we have someone who wants to change our perception about life. My friend –> @IAmYodea. Enjoy !!

Hello there! I will start this out hoping that you are a compassionate person who believes in God. I will also hope that you are one who prays for the less fortunate. You must have prayed for the flood victims in Delta. What of the victims of Boko Haram bombings? Perhaps, you have even prayed for the souls of Boko Haram bombers. You might have also said international prayers for the Middle East.
In the moments above, you were helpless. There was nothing you could do but pray. In those moments, you handed it over to He who could deal with them. But what did you do when someone sick, hungry or troubled complained to you? What of the boy who needed blood donations? What of the kid who needed 5 million naira for surgery?

               
In those moments, did you pray, asking God to help them too? Did you talk to God instead of feeding the hungry? Did you say a prayer instead of going to donate blood? Did you kneel and pray instead of giving what you could to complete the 5 million naira?

               
The Panacean view of prayer has made many irresponsible – shifting their responsibilities to God! Prayer is not a panacea. It isn’t prayer that will feed that hungry child, it is a human being. It isn’t prayer that will give the child blood, it is another human being. It isn’t prayer that will give the homeless person a home, it is a human being. Be that human being when you can. When you can’t, pray that God makes the one who can help to do so and not say prayers as well!